you thought your balls were fighting each other...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
