Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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