Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
