And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
