woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
