Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
