So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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