dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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