perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
