First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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