I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bring me that man meat
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
