Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
