ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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