My friends, they love my intelligence
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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