five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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