i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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