i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize