Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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