Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
