My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
that may or may not have been my penis.
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