She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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