i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
