i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
