I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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