Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
