Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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