Need sex. Gaining weight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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