Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
