I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
