My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
