I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
