what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
