i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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