I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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