I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
