it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
