Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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