Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Holy sore nipples Batman
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