His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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