No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
