as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
