@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
