you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
