What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
