You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
