Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
