Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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