why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So apparently I’m into choking now
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