its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
