I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
someone threw a dead crab at me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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