1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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