i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
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MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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