im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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