theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
