if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Randomize
